Dear Sir or Madam,
Thank you for reaching out to me by email/text to request the pleasure of my phone call.
I can appreciate that the time you took to type that message to me is an investment out of your clearly very busy schedule, and the time it would take to glance down, see my phone number in my signature line, and dial the number(s) shown there to call me directly would be a colossal waste of your oh-so-valuable time (3 seconds).
I further accept that (in your mind), my time is so much less valuable that I have nothing better to do than to find your phone number in my well-organized contact list (1 second) and dial your number (2 seconds) in order to call you as you so eloquently requested (“Call me!”), while sitting next to three phones of my own that, to my knowledge, are in perfectly working order and able to accept calls freely and have remained silent as the grave while you sent your urgent missive.
What a treat it must be to have your phone ring and further validate your importance! Oh, how I respect you so much more now that you’ve been able to place yourself in the position of all-powerful-phone-answerer instead of lowly-dialer! And I can just imagine the admiring glances you are getting from those around you as your phone rings loudly to announce that YOU ARE NEEDED.
Perhaps you were under the mistaken impression that my phones only dial out? Or, perhaps your phone only accepts calls and you were issued a substandard ‘non-dial’ version?
Please accept my condolences for the situation in which you find yourself. It must be very difficult to have any conversations when you’re unable to initiate them by DIALING THE F***ING PHONE YOURSELF.
Sincerely,
Never-going-to-call-on-demand-again
Overly Honest 